Honouring Cycles and the Courage to Be Ourselves

I’ve been sitting on this letter for weeks, maybe longer. It’s been like stewing in a slow-burning pot of confusion, self-doubt, and procrastination, but mostly, a deep need to just have space to process everything happening inside and around me.

If you’ve been with me since the beginning, you might have noticed a pattern. Or maybe not. But there is a pattern – a cyclical ebb and flow of my creativity and energy that I’m finally acknowledging and giving myself permission to honour.

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I often envy entrepreneurs who show the “behind-the-scenes” of their life/business. If you peeked behind mine, you’d probably see… well, not much.

Just the mundane routines of life: cooking, cleaning, laundry, reading, praying, Netflix, eating, sleeping, chilling/ spending time with my husband, working out, meeting clients and peers (all online), rinse and repeat.

The most exciting part of my week is usually learning something new through one of the many online courses I’ve enrolled in – I’ve a real thirst for knowledge, skills, and wisdom.

While my external world seems pretty static, my inner world is a fascinating, chaotic circus of ideas flowing, thoughts interacting across timelines, and deep feelings playing hide-and-seek. I wish I could show you this internal landscape, but that’s a skill I’m still developing.

Instead, I’ll share something even more valuable: insights I’ve been gathering about myself through Human Design, and how I’m giving myself permission to live more authentically. And as I share these insights, I realize, that in doing so, I am also honoring my unique individuality, which I hope will inspire you to honour your own.

Prefer the short version? Scroll all the way to the bottom for a TLDR version.

What is Human Design? (A Quick Intro)

Think of Human Design as a personalized blueprint of your energy, your strengths, and how you’re designed to interact with the world and others. It combines astrology, the I Ching, Hindu Chakra system, Kabbalah, and quantum physics to reveal your unique energetic makeup. It’s a tool for self-discovery and understanding how you’re uniquely designed to navigate life and relationships.

My Human Design Insights (and How They Impact Me)

This is what my Human Design (HD) chart looks like - I know this probably looks super foreign to you if you've never heard about HD before. See below for resources to create your own HD chart.

Human Design has helped me normalize, validate and honour the things I’ve always known about myself (but had previously regarded as flaws):

A constantly churning mind: This means my mind just never stops. While I often come across as being 'quiet' on the outside, internally I am having a constant ongoing conversation with myself (which honestly can get overwhelming if I am not careful). My mind is like a pressure centre that is constantly asking 'Why?', 'What?', 'How?', churning with thoughts about the past, present, and future, exploring life’s mysteries (like Who is God? Why did they create us? What is the point/ purpose of life anyways?), and dreaming up unimagined possibilities.
Fixed and consistent way of processing thoughts: Some of my strengths include having a fixed and consistent way of processing information, thoughts and concepts, and coming up with questions and mental frameworks to share with others. However, this also comes with anxiety about whether others will be able to accept or appreciate my unique perspectives.
Having a flow of ideas and insights without seamless expression: As a Projector energy type, I’m here to guide others with my unique perspective. However, my strategy as a Projector means I need to wait to be recognized and invited before sharing my insights. Otherwise, I may end up feeling unheard and dismissed when there is no recognition or invitation leading to bitterness. And I often need the presence of the ‘other’ (someone who is keen to hear my insights) to be able to express them seamlessly.
Inconsistent energy levels: My Projector energy type also means that I do not have consistent access to energy which is why I need long periods of rest to feel rejuvenated. This is often followed by short bursts of high productivity. This is part of being a Projector; we’re just not designed for constant output (rather, we are made to be efficient).
Ideas and insights while resting: Perhaps because of the above, I have noticed that my best ideas and insights often come while lying down, especially as I drift to sleep. It’s like my inner writer only speaks when I’m horizontal.
Slow digestion process: I mean this both literally and metaphorically. I have always had a smaller appetite than most but I never knew why until I saw that energetically, I had a slow digestive process so eating in smaller portions works best for me. But this doesn't just apply to food/drinks, it also applies to the information, emotions and energies I am consuming from external sources. I take a long time to process my thoughts/ feelings, and to really arrive at a perspective and truth that feels like my own (hence why I have been sitting on this letter for weeks!)
High sensitivity and empathy: Within my design, I have what is called an open emotional center, and this means I absorb and amplify the emotions of others. I’m a sponge for emotional energy, which explains my high sensitivity and empathy. Hence, I have to be very mindful of who I am around and the type and how much of content I’m consuming as well. (FYI, I've seen this same pattern in others' human design charts who also identify as being highly sensitive.)
Not meant to work solo: There are a few elements of my Human Design which point to this insight, which explains why building a business solo has felt really challenging for me. I thrive when someone supports my self-expression by asking the right questions or calling me out to share my wisdom – that person could even be you! This is why collaborations and partnerships are what I am looking towards in the future of my business.
Slowing down and honoring my natural pace: My unique energetics show me that I am not designed to live a life under pressure, but to have more spaciousness around the things I need/ want to do. Knowing when to slow down, when enough is enough, and when to do vs. when to rest, are my life’s greatest lessons and what I’m also here to teach others through my process of experiencing it.
Tendency to withdraw, reflect deeply and be a hermit: One of my main roles in life, as written in my Human Design chart is being a hermit - focusing on my own internal process, contemplating and doing the things I enjoy behind the scenes. This is a theme I have noticed my whole life as a full-on introvert. I need lots of alone time, not just to recharge but also because I enjoy just doing my own thing without the influence of others. As a hermit, there are things that come naturally to me which I am not always conscious of. Hence, I need to be called out and invited by others to be able to share my insights and wisdom.
Honouring my individuality and embodying just being: My Human Design chart also reveals that my people find me when I honor and embrace my individuality. Being my authentic self is crucial for me to experience success, and it’s what I’m here to role model for others. By being true to myself, I naturally attract those who resonate with my unique energy and perspective.

These are just some of the many insights about myself that have emerged through a deep dive into my own Human Design energetics.

And these insights (though not all new to me) carry even more significance now than they did before.

As I reflect on who I was innately designed to be and the themes of my life so far, I recognise how I’ve spent my life trying to fit into places I didn’t belong, stifling my voice and fullest expression.

The fear (and grief) of loneliness kept me locked in those spaces for so long that I did not fully trust that being myself, and speaking my truth would be enough for others.

Human Design says I’m here to authentically express myself. Yet, I’ve been holding back, afraid that if I was not meeting the needs or wants of others (especially in my business sphere), then no-one would be interested in hearing what I had to say.

I was conditioned to believe that the only way I could have a voice and be valued was by constantly meeting others’ needs and supporting them (another version of people-pleasing); not by expressing my own individual truth.

Years of being misunderstood, emotionally neglected, perceived as being a “difficult child” and facing rejection have taken their toll. Even with loving caregivers, my sensitivity wasn’t fully welcomed, let alone celebrated for its strengths, reinforcing the belief that I wasn’t enough.

Does this sound familiar to you, Reader?

Have you ever felt like you needed to hide parts of yourself in order to ‘belong’? Yet, how could we ever belong if we’ve never been fully ourselves?

I realise I am not alone in this struggle. Many sensitives I know experience this – and it is often not the big “T” traumas, but the subtle “t” traumas of everyday interactions: not being emotionally met or validated, our sensitivity seen as a burden, rejection when we shared our voice, that built calluses around our hearts and made us hide parts of ourselves for fear of being hurt again.

I first encountered this quote by the poet E.E. Cummings in Secondary school:

“To be nobody but yourself is to fight the hardest battle you’ve ever fought, and never stop fighting.”

It resonated deeply. I kept it close to my heart, reminding myself often not to lose myself trying to fit in. But as a teenager, this was indeed the hardest battle I had to fight, without actually having any tools or skills to fight it.

Now, in my mid-thirties, I’m coming home to myself.

I’m choosing to be nobody but myself, knowing it’s still the hardest battle I can fight, but it’s not a battle against anyone outside of me, rather with the tender parts of me who yearn to be seen, heard, fully understood and recognised for the invaluable gifts I carry within.

With the years of inner healing I have done, I am deeply aware that this battle is not won by sheer force or power over my parts - but with compassion, love, and tenderness for my wounded parts within.

If I were to rewrite the quote, it would be:

“To be nobody but myself is to journey within, welcoming all parts, embracing them with fierce compassion, and relentlessly tending to their healing.”

The path back to ourselves is walked one step at a time.

My first step, regarding my business and by extension, this newsletter, is to honour my creative and energetic cycles without apology.

Reader, instead of apologizing to you for my inconsistency, I hope this inspires you to take a small step towards being more fully yourself.

If you’ve read this far and want to be part of my world, I’d love to have you.

Here’s what to expect moving forward:

Occasional emails with no set schedule - I’ll be honoring my creative impulses and need for retreat (reflection and integration mode aka Hermit mode) which ebbs and flows in cycles (of typically 2-3 months). This means some months you may hear from me more frequently while other months, it might be radio silence. Just know that even if I am not being outwardly "visible", I am still here - processing and integrating my insights behind the scenes.
I’ll still be open to receiving your emails anytime – reach out if you need to talk with someone who truly gets what being highly sensitive means.
Future editions might include a mix of written content, videos, audios, and embodiment practices - whatever my creativity and energy has space for.
As a subscriber, you’ll be the first to know about any new creations.
Content that is focused on highly sensitives, including themes on slowing down, savouring life, trauma healing, IFS, trauma-sensitive yoga, yoga nidra, personal stories and more.

If you’re also on a journey of self-discovery, I’d love to connect. Reply to this email and let me know what your biggest takeaway was.

And if you are interested in hearing more about a specific topic close to your heart, simply reply to this email, and I will make sure to include more content on that topic in future newsletters.

Here's the gist of it

Hey there! I've been wrestling with a lot lately – self-doubt, inconsistent energy, and figuring out how to be truly me. Turns out, my Human Design (Projector type!) explains a lot!

Basically, I'm learning to honor my natural cycles and stop apologizing for needing rest and processing time. So, here's what you need to know:

I'm shifting to an "occasional" newsletter schedule. I'll write when I feel inspired, not on a rigid schedule. This means some months you might hear from me a lot, others, not so much.
I'm embracing my "hermit" mode. I need lots of alone time to recharge and process, and that's okay!
Expect content focused on highly sensitive people. We'll dive into slowing down, healing, and living authentically.
I'm inviting you to connect! Reply to this email with your thoughts or questions. I'd love to hear from you.
I'm prioritizing authenticity. I'm done trying to fit into boxes that don't fit. I'm choosing to be myself, and I hope you'll join me!
I'm here to support you. I understand the challenges of being highly sensitive, and I'm here to share my journey and insights.

Sending you compassion & courage to be fully yourself,

Elia Kanak Rajah [she/her]

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